Hush Little Baby, Don't say a Word, Daddy's Gonna Buy You a ... Clay Aiken Calendar? What the Hell?
Happy Day After Hannukah Eve, everybody.
How does that work, anyway? With eight days in the Hannukah holiday, it's like the first seven are all Eve days.
I guess I would know if I were Jewish, but seeing as I'm not, I got to spend my Sunday shopping for Christmas presents -- forgoing frankenscence and myrrh to purchase electric nose hair clippers and Hickory Farms' cheese/sausage/defibrillator combo baskets.
To challenge ourselves, my husband and I visited Woodfield Mall, a different mall than our usual shopping stomping grounds, figuring that we could prevent early onset Alzheimer's if we played tricks on our brain -- like doing the New York Times crossword puzzle but more expensive and while clutching flimsy shopping bags as you navigate your way through a haze of body odor and food court-induced halitosis.
In the process of all this, I couldn't help but notice a few things as I struggled not to topple, breathless and disoriented, over the upper level mall railing.
Number of women wearing Christmas sweaters: Approximately 68 (several of the sweaters caused me to recoil in horror, so I realize I'm missing a few.)
Number of those sweaters that featured three-dimensional Christmas designs (snowman hands, fuzzy reindeer, google eyes, blood-lusting elves bursting from the snowflake pattern): Approximately 35
Number of those sweaters that featured "spirit of the season" sequins: Too many; no one should wear sequins in broad daylight.
Number of those sweaters accesorized by a pair of matching reindeer antlers (the fake kind): 1
Number of the sweater wearers who seemed likely to have real reindeer antlers included in their holiday decorating scheme: At least 4
The power by which wearing a Christmas sweater increases the quality of gift purchases made by the wearer: -471
Increased likelihood a Christmas sweater wearer is buying someone on their list one of the following -- a Princess Di calendar, a fruitcake, a gross of bath beads or a Christmas sweater: 470 percent
Number of minutes I pondered how I'd react if given such a sweater: 16
Number of minutes I devoted to memorizing the speech I could give to express gratitude for a sweater with "Ho! Ho! Ho!" emblazoned in red yarn over the head of a ruddy-faced Santa: 2 (a peppy, "I've always wanted one of these! My desire to wear attire specially crafted for the Christmas holiday and featuring the slang term for prostitute is as strong as my desire to wear a garment that makes the wearer look like a lumpy mass of Yuletide tumor!")
Number of wide-eyed young men in the 18-34 year old demographic who stepped on the back of my shoes as they wandered dazed and zombie-like in search of the perfect gift for their significant other: 4
Number of those who picked up a Clay Aiken calendar and debated purchasing it, figuring such a gift would make them look sensitive to their significant other, but then put it down, fearing that their own manhood was no match for a guy named Clay: 4
Number who know better than to buy their significant other a Christmas sweater: 2
Number of Clay Aiken calendars available at the Waldenbooks in Woodfield Mall, as of 12/6/04: 17 (right next to the Princess Di calendar and below the NASCAR calendar)
Number of Clay Aiken calendars available today at the Waldenbooks in Woodfield Mall: 24 (due not to returns but to spooky overnight multiplying)
Number of Clay Aiken calendars projected to burst like a tidal wave from Waldenbooks onto the mall's floor in a never-before-seen-the-likes-of-this natural disaster that on Dec. 26, 2004 will injure and/or kill and/or inflict serious paper cuts on no less than 67 post-Christmas shoppers, all wearing Christmas sweaters that have seen better days (better days being Christmas itself, the only day when wearing of such a garment is even mildly excusable): 300,658
Gangs of people wearing identical leather Hard Rock Cafe/Chicago jackets while striding through Woodfield giving superior glances to those of us in plain outerwear: 1
Number of minutes I later spent debating whether I should have purchased a similar Hard Rock Cafe/London jacket while spending time in the city: 0
Numeral ranking of my wish to right now learn whether the Hard Rock jacket wearers had on Christmas sweaters beneath their souvenir outerwear: 1
Number of times I wished I had a camera phone while surveying the human landscape at Woodfield Mall: A couple, I won't lie.
Number of times I'd use the camera phone: 2 on purpose (to take sneaky photos of people wearning Christmas sweaters); 148 accidental (when I press the button and get a photo of my shoe)
How does that work, anyway? With eight days in the Hannukah holiday, it's like the first seven are all Eve days.
I guess I would know if I were Jewish, but seeing as I'm not, I got to spend my Sunday shopping for Christmas presents -- forgoing frankenscence and myrrh to purchase electric nose hair clippers and Hickory Farms' cheese/sausage/defibrillator combo baskets.
To challenge ourselves, my husband and I visited Woodfield Mall, a different mall than our usual shopping stomping grounds, figuring that we could prevent early onset Alzheimer's if we played tricks on our brain -- like doing the New York Times crossword puzzle but more expensive and while clutching flimsy shopping bags as you navigate your way through a haze of body odor and food court-induced halitosis.
In the process of all this, I couldn't help but notice a few things as I struggled not to topple, breathless and disoriented, over the upper level mall railing.
Number of women wearing Christmas sweaters: Approximately 68 (several of the sweaters caused me to recoil in horror, so I realize I'm missing a few.)
Number of those sweaters that featured three-dimensional Christmas designs (snowman hands, fuzzy reindeer, google eyes, blood-lusting elves bursting from the snowflake pattern): Approximately 35
Number of those sweaters that featured "spirit of the season" sequins: Too many; no one should wear sequins in broad daylight.
Number of those sweaters accesorized by a pair of matching reindeer antlers (the fake kind): 1
Number of the sweater wearers who seemed likely to have real reindeer antlers included in their holiday decorating scheme: At least 4
The power by which wearing a Christmas sweater increases the quality of gift purchases made by the wearer: -471
Increased likelihood a Christmas sweater wearer is buying someone on their list one of the following -- a Princess Di calendar, a fruitcake, a gross of bath beads or a Christmas sweater: 470 percent
Number of minutes I pondered how I'd react if given such a sweater: 16
Number of minutes I devoted to memorizing the speech I could give to express gratitude for a sweater with "Ho! Ho! Ho!" emblazoned in red yarn over the head of a ruddy-faced Santa: 2 (a peppy, "I've always wanted one of these! My desire to wear attire specially crafted for the Christmas holiday and featuring the slang term for prostitute is as strong as my desire to wear a garment that makes the wearer look like a lumpy mass of Yuletide tumor!")
Number of wide-eyed young men in the 18-34 year old demographic who stepped on the back of my shoes as they wandered dazed and zombie-like in search of the perfect gift for their significant other: 4
Number of those who picked up a Clay Aiken calendar and debated purchasing it, figuring such a gift would make them look sensitive to their significant other, but then put it down, fearing that their own manhood was no match for a guy named Clay: 4
Number who know better than to buy their significant other a Christmas sweater: 2
Number of Clay Aiken calendars available at the Waldenbooks in Woodfield Mall, as of 12/6/04: 17 (right next to the Princess Di calendar and below the NASCAR calendar)
Number of Clay Aiken calendars available today at the Waldenbooks in Woodfield Mall: 24 (due not to returns but to spooky overnight multiplying)
Number of Clay Aiken calendars projected to burst like a tidal wave from Waldenbooks onto the mall's floor in a never-before-seen-the-likes-of-this natural disaster that on Dec. 26, 2004 will injure and/or kill and/or inflict serious paper cuts on no less than 67 post-Christmas shoppers, all wearing Christmas sweaters that have seen better days (better days being Christmas itself, the only day when wearing of such a garment is even mildly excusable): 300,658
Gangs of people wearing identical leather Hard Rock Cafe/Chicago jackets while striding through Woodfield giving superior glances to those of us in plain outerwear: 1
Number of minutes I later spent debating whether I should have purchased a similar Hard Rock Cafe/London jacket while spending time in the city: 0
Numeral ranking of my wish to right now learn whether the Hard Rock jacket wearers had on Christmas sweaters beneath their souvenir outerwear: 1
Number of times I wished I had a camera phone while surveying the human landscape at Woodfield Mall: A couple, I won't lie.
Number of times I'd use the camera phone: 2 on purpose (to take sneaky photos of people wearning Christmas sweaters); 148 accidental (when I press the button and get a photo of my shoe)
posted by imp @ 8:09 AM
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